Yet another day.

I don't know why I feel both apathy toward blogging today, and the compulsive need to do it anyway. This kind of sucks, because that makes for bad posts. But like most good people, I give in to my compulsions...

It's funny how there are things that I KNOW that I seem to want to ignore anyway. I know for a fact that my body has a two-week cycle that it goes on with weight - from high to low back to high is two weeks. So when I gain a small amount of weight in a short amount of time, regardless of how well I've been eating, it makes me want to start to re-evaluate everything that I'm doing. Which I guess is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have to keep reminding myself to not panic.

And this, my friends, is why I should not be allowed to weight myself daily. :)

-Silas

Back to work.

I am not going to post about work yesterday and what happened.

I am also not going to worry about it for now, as there is nothing I can do, and a ton of work to do.

The in-laws left this morning. Sara's most likely on the way right now taking them to the airport. It was fun having them in town. It's very nice to get along with the in-laws.

OK. So I will talk a little about work. But nothing to get me Dooced. I just talked with my boss's boss. It's really nice to have an open door policy that it really open - I can walk in any time that I want to. The conversation went well. I didn't agree with a certain decision was being made, and I just wanted to make sure that the decision was being made with all of the data. I hope that he can see it my way, but if not, at least he had all of the info when he decides.

After that little boring interlude...

Time to go to work.

-Silas

What the heck indeed.

So I'm down about 4 pounds from the last time I posted my weight. I'm officially 259! This is very good - that means that things are finally working again.

I am worried about my leg, though. The giant swollen bruise-like portion just doesn't want to go away. I want to start running, but I want my leg to heal first.

At least seeing the results on the scale make it easier to stay away from the crap food. At the grocery store today it was absolutley no problem. So that's good.

I'm a little paranoid right now, because of work, but I don't really want to write about it. Two reasons:

1) I don't want to get Dooced
2) I don't really know what I feel about it yet.

So time to put my head down and be a good little peon.

Have a great day,

-Silas

What the heck?

Interesting...yesterday ended up being a rather hard day - in the food department. Yes, I ate what I should have, but it was one of those days that I really wanted to go right back to where I was even a couple of weeks ago.

I do remember this fading as time goes on, but it's not faded yet.

So I did three more miles last night, walking rather fast. It felt pretty good, but my shin was a little more sore after than before. I hope that doesn't mean that it's going to get worse when I start running next week...

If it does, I'll have to go to the doc. I'm hoping that that won't be necessary.

So today is going well for food. A can of tomato soup and a couple of sandwiches so far today. Later tonight Sara and I get to go to a movie, as her parents are in town this week. That is going to be a lot of fun...we never get to see movies anymore.

Well, that's enough rambling for now.

-Silas

I picked this, didn't I?

I love my job. Really, I do! But it's times like this - right before a deadline - that make me wonder what the heck I was thinking.

Cest la vie...

So the stupid cravings were not nearly as bad this morning. I've already had a great start to the day eating wise - I've had 5 points already. That should hopefully keep me from getting another headache today. That sucked yesterday.

I gave my leg another day off yesterday, too. Yes, it was on purpose, it wasn't just laziness :) It's getting better, and I might try running for a little bit soon. Maybe I'll go for half a mile or so on Monday. Of course, I'll keep exercising in the interim, but I'm excited to get going. While I have been logging the walking as part of the mille bornes project, I'm wanting to get some serious mileage under my belt.

Hope you have a great day. I'll probably write later.

-Silas

Stupid blogger.

I hate when servers go down. So now I can finally write a little.

I wonder if it will ever go away. The cravings, I mean. I still did what I should have - this morning I got a banana and a sandwich. But boy, those maple bars smelled good.

Do you get any calories by smelling things?

I guess I really already know the answer. No, they never quit. No, I can never quit. Am I sad about that?

Honestly?

I guess a little. There are a serious amount of endorphins involved with eating. I do it (have done it...I don't really do it anymore :) ) for a reason. There is something just so....SATISFYING about it.

But while it is not so very endorphish, there is also something satisfying about eating right and watching the weight come off. Because I'm now, finally, under the weight that I put down when I started this blog. I had gone up a few pounds. And now I'm down.

Last night I wasn't feeling well at all, but I decided on the walk anyway. I did three miles. It put me over 10.

I've eaten quite well today, too. A sandwich early, a smart ones entree, a banana, and some sunflower seeds.

Now if my sore throat and headache would go away.

-Silas

Bornes again...

Just a few thoughts this morning on the Mille Bornes (pronounced "mill born") project.

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." -Lao Tzu

Lao Tzu is known as the father of Taoism. While I am not a Taoist by religion, I am (Jenkins, stop laughing) learning more and more about Taoist beliefs. Which is why I was so happy to run across this quote (again) when looking things up.

Isn't the internet wonderful?

It has been an interesting start to my project - in that my shin has kept me from going as hard and as far as I want to. But this quote has brought me quite the ray of sunshine this morning. It doesn't matter that the start is slower than expected. The fact that the journey has begun is all that matters at the moment.

One step at a time, people. One step at a time.

-Silas

Jerk.

I mean Jerky. It's my one vice left, I think. I don't feel bad about it, though, because I'm counting it. And I don't do it often. But mmmmm....teriyaki flavored dried chunks of beef.

It happened again this morning. On the way to work, the little voice in my head started going again about how good those donuts would be. Yes, they would be VERY good. For a moment. And then I'd be quite mad at myself. But yet again - it was easy to ignore it. I did get the jerky, but a small bag. So I'm doing well.

Gotta run today, but I'll probably stop in later.

-Silas

I was just thinking today...

...why it has been easier to follow the plan for the last week or so. And I think it comes down to the power of positive pressure.

I like Bill Phillips. I don't necessarily like his Body-for-LIFE program, as I don't want to seriously bulk up on muscle, which is what happens when I try to follow it. For what it's worth, it works - you can change the shape of your body when you follow his plan. Fewer calories, way more healthy food, and lots of exercise, heavy on the weight lifting...it's a good plan. I just can't follow it, and I don't want the results.

But he certainly has some great things to say. And one is the power of positive pressure.

There is something to be said about making sure that others know what you are doing in your weight loss journey. This works for me, because when others know what I'm doing, it's not just me that I'm letting down when I lose control. It's everyone that knows what is going on.

So what happens when I hear about a family reunion in June? With the family members who had seen be at both 336 pounds and 205 pounds?

Well, the first reaction was that it is such a long way away. One more day of crappy food won't hurt.

But then (it took a week or two) the thought came: I can't possibly go there weighing over 260. I will not embarass myself that way. And yes, one more day DOES hurt.

And the option of not showing up? This is not an option. So what is left?

You got it. Stick to the plan, and lose the weight.

I don't know how much I can lose in the next 5 months, but I would be surprised if it is less than 40, and SHOCKED if it is less than 30. That is, if I can stick to the plan.

Which so far hasn't been a problem. It is finally worth more to me to eat less than to eat the crap. Every time I envision the fast food, or the sweets from the store, I can just see myself at the reunion. And for extra dramatic effect, I envision myself at over 300 pounds. How would THAT feel?

Heh...good thing that I'm not about to find out.

Anyway, I have high hopes, and momentum this time. We'll see how fast it comes off. But no matter what - I'm back on the journey.

-Silas

Happy Monday!

Friday was just so busy that I had no time to post. It was one of THOSE days. Being a Software Engineer, right before release, I sometimes get so entranced in my work that I forget EVERYTHING else. Including eating, I might add. All day at work on Friday I had:

Sunflower seeds.

That's it. No, not healthy, but frankly, I'd rather do that than eat tons 'o' crap. By the way, this is not anorexic - I went home and ate quite a bit. Not enough to go over points :)

So while it's not healthy, as long as I don't do it too often, I don't mind.

The problem that I am having is this: I have some sort of shin splints on my right leg. There is a red, puffy sore patch on my shin. Which sucks, because I haven't been able to run since Wednesday. Not to say that I'm not using the treadmill - I still at least WALKED for 2 miles on Thursday and Friday. But it's not the same as running. I just don't get the sweat that I get when I run.

I know why this happens. I may have posted this before, but when you run, your knees, feet, and legs get hit with three times your body weight in force on EACH STEP. That's a whole lot of force when I'm running. 60 pounds ago, this wouldn't have been a problem. Now, it's a bit hard on me to run.

So for now, I'm going to figure out what I can do. I'm going to keep walking, even though it takes twice as long to get in the miles. When I can, I'm going to start ramping up the running again. Slowly, surely, I am going to do this.

I am really feeling great about eating, too. I'm down about 3.5 pounds (unofficially) from where I had gone since posting my weight here. That is in less than a week. And for some reason, I have been able to seriously control my eating.

Case in point - last night, just before going to bed, I had the same thoughts jump into my head that have been killing me - how I should go find something "good" to eat in the morning on my way to work.

For the first time in MONTHS it was easy to just dismiss it. I got up this morning with zero intentions of eating crappy food. And so far, I have done VERY well. Sunflower seeds.

I'm about to go make some lunch - soup, or maybe a frozen dinner (the light kind). Maybe I'll "splurge" and get a sandwich of some sort. Subway has some great ones. Even if I get a footlong, it will only be 15 points. Leaving me with more than 20 for the day, even if I count the sunflower seeds. (Which I will.) And that doesn't include flex points or exercise points...

Things are finally looking up.

-Silas

Demons and Triumphs.

There was a time, around a year ago, that I thought that I had finally conquered the demon of food. For an entire year, I kept track of every single thing that I put in my mouth. And I was happy to do so. I didn't eat a single thing without consciously thinking about it, and deciding if it was worth the points.

It worked so well that I hit my goal weight (that my doc set for me at 210) in less than a year. I'm doing fine, I thought. I'm doing great, in fact. There's NO WAY I'll ever go back to my old habits.

And I can cheat a little, can't I?

You know something? If it stopped there, it would probably be fine. But over the last year, I have come to the conclusion that no, I CANNOT cheat a little. 50 pounds can attest to that.

When I cheat, I cheat, and I do it well. Yes, I can point back to certain events that started me off on this road, but in the end, it all comes back to a decision, every day, every moment, to give in to my own personal demon again.

The demon of food.

This is new news to some, but I'll go over it again. I have, I believe, an undiagnosed eating disorder. Go look up Binge Eating Disorder, and you will see a pretty good description of me, if I do not keep a VERY tight rein on myself. If I gave in to it, I would keep myself stuffed - completely packed full of food, none of it good - on a continual basis.

This is what led to my 336 pound weight, and the 50 pounds that I've regained.

So what now?

There was a personal issue last night that I had to deal with. It is nothing serious - just the normal foibles of life that we all have. But when I went to sleep last night, it was with the plan to stop by a local grocery store on the way into work today and pick up some "comfort."

HOLY CRAP that is hard to deal with sometimes. If I remember correctly, it DOES get easier. Not that this urge ever goes away, but it gets easier to not do such things. But this morning was exceptionally hard.

And I passed the test. All I came in with this morning was some diet soda that I picked up at the gas station (yes, it's more expensive there, but it's easier to not buy donuts :) ). I'm proud of myself. Not to say that the day is a success yet. There will be probably two more serious temptations from this demon.

But then I remember what it was like to be at my goal weight. I could put on anything in my wardrobe, and feel good about it. I could put my mp3 player on my arm and go running for 5 miles, and feel ENERGIZED at the end of it. I could finally look at myself in the mirror and feel pleased.

So I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind. I need to go back and re-read some of the old blog entries from the previous incarnation of the Journal of a Fat Loser. I need to keep looking for new inspirational blogs - the few out there that have lost weight, kept it off, and are still blogging...and those out there who are in the process of losing, as I am.

People, we need to stick together. When I read your blogs, I see how much it helps to have friends to keep us in line. Well, Sara is a great help - and I'm so grateful to have her around. But I would like you - anyone who reads this - to keep commenting, keep encouraging, and keep cheering me on.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. Every little bit helps.

Have a great day,

-Silas

Inspiration.

I have been searching for new inspiration for the past while. I now have a long list of bookmarks that I have to check - daily - to remember why I'm doing this.

It was a wonderful feeling to lose over 130 pounds. The feeling of being able to wear anything was fantastic. The feeling of being able to tuck in my shirt was indescribable. So what happened?

Life. You know how it goes. One small change after another. And voila - 60 pounds again.

But the good thing is that this can work in my favor, too. One small change after another.

So why am I doing this? I need to review my reasons again. Some are good reasons, some are not so good, but before another 24 hours goes by, I will start to list them here.

By the way, I'm trying to figure out how to pull this, but I'm starting the weight loss "video" pictures again tonight. I am combining all video pics. By which I mean I'm only doing one set of photos. And while this is not nearly as important as staying on plan and exercising, it will be quite a video if I can pull it off.

See you tomorrow,

-Silas

As a side note...

I'm resetting the "Mille Bornes" miles to coincide with the new t-mill.

And I had Sara take a picture of me during the inaugural run, so I'll post it when I can remember to get the pic from the camera.

-Silas

On the road again.

Thanks for all two of my readers for commenting! Although, I think that you might have to have someone RETURN to be called an official "reader." Either way, I was excited.

Yesterday, two rather easy miles on the *NEW* treadmill. For the record...

I absolutely love it. In every way possible.

Yes, it is missing some of fancy schmancy electronic crap, but really, I didn't use any of it anyway. What it DID do was accurately read my heart rate. Which is something that I've yet to see any of the treadmills at the health club do.

It is one of those foldable treadmills, so we can keep it up when not in use. I like this, because now the kids can't "run" on it while it is turned off and burn out the motor. Sara used it yesterday, too, when I had to come back to work for a couple of hours. She thought that it was great, too.

I see the future opening up, and it has a ton of running in it.

On a little sadder note, I have realized how out of shape I have become, at least relative to when I was doing the hardcore marathon training. Running at 6 MPH had my heart rate over 160. When I was training hard, it would hover around 130 or so.

Also, I ran for two miles, and was completely winded. I used to be a 5K without even hardly breaking a sweat. (OK, I would sweat like a horse, but you get the metaphor.)

However, I was re-reading my old blog (which no longer exists, except on a hard drive in my backpack) and I remember when I was starting to run. It started with a quarter mile. I was happy to do 4 laps (16 laps to the mile on the track I was running on) without stopping.

Oh, how far I have come since before the journey began.

And one last thing - I was re-reading something I was writing last October, and I have pretty much maintained my weight since then. I have gone down, up, down, up, etc., but in the end, I am not worse off now than I was then.

Considering Christmas vacation and the rest of the holidays...

I'll take it.

So I'm back on plan completely. WW has come out with some new rules about how many points you get. I now have 9 more than I used to. Which, by the way, makes COMPLETE sense to me. I have always thought that I was eating too little. They say that to lose weight, you have to calculate your BMR, add calories for normal daily activity, and then subtract 500 for a 1 lb loss per week, and 1000 for a 2 lb loss per week.

Why was I losing 6-7 at first, and 3-4 per week later?

Because I was not eating enough.

So now I think that the loss will be slower, but definately more long term. Do you know what you can have for 9 points?

Two microwave entrees. A couple of sandwiches, if you make them right. More fruit than you can comfortably eat in a sitting. (Understatement?)

What it comes down to is this - I'm going to try it out to see how it fits. I figure that 9 points per day figures out to about 500 calories or so (on average) so my loss should only go down my 1 lb per week. And if it's easier to maintain the plan this way?

*shrug*

So have a great day...

-Silas

Merry Christmas! In January!

A little late for the post title? Yeah, I guess so. But last night I finally got the Christmas present that I Have been waiting for!

Well, OK, it's actually for Sara and I both, but here it is...

Cool, eh? I'm pretty stoked.

Here's the story about this treadmill. First off, I don't want anyone posting comments (as if anyone actually reads this) about how this treadmill sucks, that one is so much better, etc. I don't really care. I have what I was looking for, and that's all that really matters.

This came about when Sara had me call to find out what it would cost to renew the gym membership for the year. $400. HOLY CRAP that's expensive, especially when I'm really the only one who uses it, and it's only a few days per week.

Add to that the money that Sara's parents gave us for Christmas, and we were VERY close to $1000. So we thought about getting a treadmill.

Anyone who read this blog will know that I'm a large person - at 4% bodyfat (which I am NOT) I would be a very large person. That's just the way it is.

So I needed a treadmill that would be able to handle constant pounding from me. Right now I'll be doing around 10 miles per week, and I expect to build up to 20-30 or so regularly. The thing that has always bothered me about treadmills that are around $1000 is how they constantly "slip" when I'm running on them. I can't find a better word for it. When my foot hits the belt, it stops for a moment, creating a rather jarring feeling while running. So I was planning on having to spend around $1500 to $2000.

Enter the New Balance 1500. The moment I started it up and got running, I absolutely loved it. It was smooth, comfortable, and absolutely NO slippage. After checking all over the place, it turns out that for $999 it is a pretty good deal.

So last night I went to the local Sports Authority and picked one up. I emptied the back of the van out of all of the seats, and the guys at the loading dock just slid it right in. After getting home, I had a friend help me slide it down stairs.

Turns out that assembly from the box is easy - you assemble it right in the box. After that, I just worked it over to the mat where we're going to have it sit and voila! Instant running surface.

So I was a little tired last night, after lifting it all over the place, so tonight is going to be the inaugural run. I'm planning on two miles, nice and easy. It should be a breeze.

Anyway, I'll take an official picture of me on the tread, working out, so you can see how things are going. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow.

...it begins.

-Silas

And I thought I had problems.

There is so much going on right now that it's hard to post. Just like everyone else, I know, but there it is.

So I have to bring up the most important thing.

A friend of mine (he lives in my neighborhood) is going through one of the classic nightmares - his 9-year-old daughter has been diagnosed with leukemia. She is going to be in the hospital for at LEAST the next 9 months, probably a year, doing chemo-therapy.

Having a daughter myself that is a friend of this little girl, this hits just a little too close to home.

The family is doing about as you would expect - shock, anger, grief, etc. Day to day, I believe. They are resilient, and the outlook for the little girl is EXTREMELY cautiously optimistic, but that doesn't really fix the fact that it's happening.

There isn't much that I can do for them, except for putting my arm around my friend every so often to let him know that his friends are here for him.

Kinda sucks that I can't do more.

I guess this leaves the final thing - finances. Have you ever had someone in chemo? I haven't. But I understand that it's dreadfully expensive. Yes, his family has health insurance, but when you have an illness of this magnitude, insurance doesn't cover it.

So I am trying to figure out what I can do. Truly, I am trying to find out how to raise money for them through my running. Find sponsors, etc. Maybe have a 5K run where people give me $1 per kilometer. Or maybe I can roll this into the Mille Bornes project - $0.01 or $0.10 per mile or something. If I can get a TON of people to do this, I can actually raise some substantial money for this guy.

I probably should HAVE to say something like this, but OVBIOUSLY every single tenth of a penny will go straight to this family. What they use it for is their business - I don't really care. Mortgage? Great. New shoes for the other kids? Wonderful. Trip to Disneyland? They probably need it. Although I can't really see that happening either.

So things are good. Weight Watchers has changed some rules, which will help me stay on plan easier.

I will post more tomorrow, and keep you posted on my friend.

-Silas

Tired?

How in the world I ever got my sorry butt out of bed at 4:40 am is beyond me. I made it to the gym and just after 5:00 in the morning to do two miles. I was able to get to work at just after 6:00, all showered and clean. Pretty good start to the day.

The food demon started talking early, though. I'm pretty happy with how it went at the grocery store - nothing but the stuff that will keep me on track. I have noticed that it's initially very hard to ignore the little voice asking for crap, but after a few days, it gets easier and easier...

It's interesting how running two miles is quite a bit harder than I remembered it. I guess you really do lose your fitness after a while. But the good news is that I'm running again, and before too terribly long, I'll be right back where I want to be.

The question is: where do I want to be?

I'm shooting for the 10K race at the end of March. It's the Rex Lee Run. It is named after a former president of BYU who died of cancer. It's now a fundraiser for cancer.

And I think I might be more than just a runner this year. I am going to find out if there is any sort of extra fundraising that can be done, especially in the name of someone. There is a little girl in my neighborhood, 8 or 9 years old, who has just been diagnosed with leukemia. Having an 8-year-old girl myself, it hits me pretty hard. I cannot imagine what the family is going through.

I know that there's nothing I can do for this girl that her family is not already doing. But at least if I do SOMETHING, then I will feel just a little less impotent in the face of this kind of frightening illness.

So there's my little bit of sunshine for the day :) I'm doing well, right where I want to be, and full speed (slow, but full speed) ahead.

-Silas

Resolute.

First of all, I just can't start typing anything without mentioning that the Boise State vs. Oklahoma game last night was the Best. Football. Game. Ever.

Yes, I'm a sports fanatic. I don't blog it much. Of course, as you can see, I haven't blogged much at ALL...

So I think I did pretty well over the Christmas and New Year's holiday. No, I didn't deprive myself all Christmas long. I had some good food. I chucked a lot of good food...:) but what can you expect?

I came to a bit of an epiphany over the holiday about holiday eating. Every time the WW people talk about the holidays, they talk about how many calories there is in the average Christmas dinner.

Know what? To me, that's beside the point.

The problem is that if you go overboard focusing on the Christmas dinner, you do just that - you focus on one single event, when in reality, you should be focusing on the long term. I think about my brother-in-law. He went to the hospital with INCREDIBLY high blood pressure, the kind of high blood pressure where they wondered how he was alive.

Seriously.

So he had to go on a diet and exercise program. He was probably about 80-100 pounds overweight. He has done an incredible job of what he does. He's a bit more strict than I could be, but then, I don't need to be that strict.

But what he does is this - he eats well all week long. Very well. Tons of vegetables, low fat, low carb, low calorie, etc. On the weekend, he does well. He will go out to eat and not worry about the calories for a meal. Note: A MEAL.

So what about the Christmas dinner? I did not want to go into the holidays with the only thing on my mind being how much I'm going to eat. I just wanted to go with my family to my parents' house and have a great day.

Of course, the entire thing ended up being a moot point, as I came down with a seriously bad stomach virus about 2 hours before dinner...I didn't feel like eating much :)

And I was sick for a large portion of the vacation. Well, either I was sick or it was Sara, or one of the kids. At least I had the luxury of just taking it easy for the entire week.

Anyway, from now on, I think I'm going to shift my focus from the one meal to the REST of the time. It's not the one Christmas meal that caused weight gain - it was the slow addition of calories, day after day, week after week, month after month, that has done that.

Now, then, it's going to be the calorie deficit, day after day, week after week, month after month, that will undo the damage.

I will be back to post more later.

-Silas