FYI and Where's My Mojo?

The last post that I put here was about losing my interest in blogging. That's the biggest reason that I moved.

http://blogs.weightwatchen.com/silascrutherton

I like blogger, but there is no sense of community for me.

There is a sense of community at weightwatchen. I got more comments in two days than in almost three months of blogger.

It's the format over there - it's a COMMUNITY, not just a blog place.

Anyway, my Blog Mojo is back, just not here.

-Silas

Eh.

Sorry for the lack of posts yesterday and today. I have lost motivation. To blog, that is. The diet/exercise is going well. Especially the diet.

The weight is up a little, but not my body size, so I'm doing just fine. Normal fluctuations. Nothing to worry about.

Anyway, I'll attempt to write something meaningful tomorrow.

-Silas

Busy weekend?

At least I was busy last Friday. Sorry I didn't post.

Another half pound down - down to 248. That makes 19.5 total gone. This is a great thing.

Running is doing OK...turns out that the treadmill that I bought has had some problems with the electronic parts. For no apparent reason, right in the middle of running, it can lose track of the speed sensor and just stop. After calling them, they said that yes, they knew about this problem, and yes, they will fix it for free. It's all under warranty.

That's the good news. It makes me a bit nervous for the long term, but what can you do? I guess they had some problems with the first rev of the new electronics. Once they get them switched out, it should all work fine. We'll see how it goes.

I'm getting closer to the 5K this weekend. I think that I'm going to do it. It should be fun. Not anywhere NEAR my fast pace from before, but that doesn't matter. As long as I'm out there running, I'll be OK.

Food is going well. Over the weekend I "relaxed" a little, and stayed within points anyway. No pizza...and I was happy.

Have a great day,

-Silas

Woo!

Another half pound down. Making a total of 19.

I wasn't going to run yesterday. I woke up late and couldn't do it before work, and after work, I had way too much for dinner. Well, OK, it was within points, but the amount I ate would be like a rock in my gut for running.

It was pretty late, around 9:15 or so that I decided to do it anyway.

Turns out that 3 1/2 hours is enough time to wait for even a pretty large rock to go away.

I think that things like that are going to be why I end up losing the weight. It was another good three miles. It's great how I can just at any given point go for three miles now.

Work is interesting. While I wouldn't call the deadline unrealistic, it is certainly wildly optimistic. (See? I can be a team player!) There is so very much to do.

Which is why I'm not doing what I have seen at least two other co-workers do...watch the March Madness online. It's free, you know!

The audio, on the other hand...also free, and it leaves me able to work. It was either that or streaming the Jim Rome show online anyway.

So things are good. Have a great day!

-Silas

Day after day.

It's funny how soon things turn into a routine. In a good way, that is. Remember at the beginning of all of this in January, I would talk about how hard it was to go to a grocery store in the morning, with the bakery smells so strong? This morning it was not even an issue. It is not even something to be dignified as not an issue. Fruit. That's it.

I'm so happy with how things have become commonplace again. How my old habits are gone, and the new ones have taken their place without really missing a beat. I even did three miles last night, regardless of the fact that I wasn't feeling all that well.

It's a day by day kind of thing. I'm back to the comfortable stage of weight loss.

It's good to be back.

-Silas

Ah yes...the doctor.

It was a while ago - all the way to last Friday - that I went to the doctor. I forgot to post anything about the results.

Turns out it's just something that the doctor called "winter eczema." It will go away.

So it's officially nothing, and I can now run to my heart's content.

Speaking of that, time to get home and do a few miles.

-Silas

One step back, two steps forward.

Saturday was a hard day. Remember how I told you that I just can't have pizza? Well, Sara didn't really believe me until Saturday. I ate WAY too much. Good thing that I had a small breakfast and a small dinner - lunch was enormous.

Interesting, though, I technically stayed within points. Because I ran, and ate the exercise points.

But BOY did I run. While the pizza was a step back, there was another positive move on the running front. I was so irritated at myself for slipping that I did 5 miles on the treadmill. So not only did I undo SOME of the damamge that the pizza did, I felt great about doing it.

The interesting thing about running is that I sweat a lot. (You'd think so, wouldn't you?) It makes me lose water weight.

The result?

Yesterday I was down to 249.

Yes, I know this was in part artificial, but I'll take it :) I was back up a little today, but the great thing is that I know that it is temporary. I will fluctuate constantly day to day, but consistently, week after week, I'm going down.

It's funny how:

a) This is going a little slower than I had wanted, but
b) I don't care. I'm doing exactly as well as I NEED to do, and it is working.

In fact, it's turning more and more from an "I don't care" to an "I am loving this." Because even though it's slow, I'm happy with what I'm doing. The happier I can be with what I'm doing, the longer I can keep this up.

I joke a lot with Sara about this all being about that big-screen TV. But truthfully? This is all about me. Not in the narcissistic way, but in the "I'd like to be there when my grandkids are born" kind of way.

Anyway, it was a good weekend. I relaxed the eating a little yesterday, but only enough to use some of my flex points for the week. It's my own version of the "Free Day" from Bill Phillips. On Sundays (sometimes Saturdays) I will eat a little more. As long as I stay within my points + flex, I'm fine with that.

So enough logorrhea...time to work.

-Silas

Top of the mornin' to you!

When I got up this morning, it was more like the bottom of last night. But I am leaving work early, and there is WAY too much to get done to not come in early.

I've got the doctor's appointment at 3:00 today. I'm sure hoping that this guy will have a definitive answer on what is going on with my leg. Not that it's troubling me. I just hate the not knowing thing.

Just wanted to peek my head into the blog and let you all know I'm still here.

-Silas

Three miles = one pound?

No, not really. It's just that it seems to correlate sometimes. I did another three miles last night. I was going to wait until this morning, but when Sara asked if I was going to (trying to figure ou the plans for the night) I decided that I had really better do it.

It was a great thing. We stuck a movie in the DVD player and I just ran. It was still agonizingly slow, compared to what I used to do, but it was great. I love it. The treadmill is still doing great.

So this morning I'm down to 251.5. Another pound down. Total of 16.

I'm so stoked. It's still working. Not as fast as I like. But it is working.

-Silas

Am I really off track?

Probably not. Eating - going VERY well. Exercise? I'm getting into a procrastination habit. I probably should have run this morning, but for whatever reason I did not.

It's so bizarre - whenever I run, I love it. At about mile 2. I remember loving it more, being excited to start, but so far, not yet.

I think I'm going to take a little advice from myself. I remember talking about how all it takes is a couple of good weeks to get into a good habit. It took that long with food - it was literally hell for a couple of weeks to not eat the crap, but now, it's going really well. I love this eating healthy thing. While I am not losing as fast as I want, I am at least losing continuously.

As for the speed of losing...well, that will come with more exercise, right?

Anyway, I'm a little better from the "incident," but I am still not dealing with it. I'm at a standoff.

Have a great day,

-Silas

Sometimes you just have to throw your head back...

...and scream for a while.

I am not going to blog about this one - as I have no idea how to lock posts. Any blogger users out there want to give me a hand?

But there is something in my personal life that has be about fed up. I can't handle much more of it. Just for clarification - it has nothing to do with me, with my wife, or my kids. No rumor mongers out there. As if anyone would monger rumors about someone they don't know.

I WILL however, blog about my reaction.

Last night, after getting off of work and on the drive home, I kept going over and over a conversation in my head. I haven't been this distraught about something in a very long time - probably since the doctors told Sara and I that we wouldn't be having any more kids. I decided that I just plain couldn't deal with it.

I got home, and Sara had the house rather immaculate. While she works hard all the time, this is a rarity, as the twins (now over 4 years old) are living proof of the law of entropy - that everything exists naturally in a state of disorder. I was planning on taking out my frustrations on cleaning, but since that was done...

I went down to my basement to the unfinished room and for about an hour, I measured, sawed, and hammered. I got the rest of the framework done that I'm using to cover the ducting on the ceiling. It was very cathartic to just lose myself in a menial task, to immerse myself in not only labor, but USEFUL labor.

At the end, I got something done that I need to get done, and I was also able to come to a truce with what is going on. Not peace with it yet, not by far, but at least I can hold it at arm's length while I can rest from the emotional trauma, and then, when I'm more able to deal with it, I can take it and examine it.

For now, I'm doing fine. Still hanging in there at 252.5 pounds. Not going up, which is GREAT, and not going down, which is not that great. But I'm happy with it.

Have a great day,

-Silas

Nice little weekend.

A little relaxation, a little work on the unfinished room in the basement, and six miles on the treadmill since I last wrote.

Three of those miles were this morning. Yes, that's right. I ran in the morning. It's a good thing for me - it works out so very well for the rest of my day when I can get up and do it.

I am PAINFULLY slow right now for three miles. Yes, I'm going to do the 5K that I have done two years in a row now. I know that I won't be anywhere NEAR my PR, but I am going to do it.

This same 5K is something that I have to do for myself. I have to do this as a kind of "screw you" to being overweight and out of shape. For life.

I might have alluded to this last week, but it's interesting how out of shape I am, and then how out of shape I am not. Yes, I'm slow, but I'm taking into account the fact that last week I was having problems running over a half a mile at a time, and already I have done two three mile runs.

So it's great. Food is going well. Although the scale only shows a .5 pound loss. But down is down, no?

Also, I think that there may be something wrong with my scale. I got on the scale yesterday, and I had gone up two pounds since the day before, when I had done VERY well with food. So I got off and got back on. I was up another pound and a half. And then one more time, up another pound and a half.

It was interesting - there is NO WAY that I gained five pounds in a single day.

But it doesn't really matter. My clothes are all fitting better. I'm feeling great. The journey is going exactly as I want it to. It could be a LITTLE faster...but no matter what, I'm happy. I'm getting healthier, and I'm on the right track.

Have a great day,

-Silas

Happy Friday!

It's interesting how this weight loss thing is going. Last Friday I was down to 253. Two days later, I was up 3 pounds. Today, FINALLY, I am back down to 253. I'm hoping that I can get under that soon. I have to be VERY careful this weekend, and I think that I'll get there.

The leg bruise thing is starting to itch. I'm glad that I have an appointment next week. It's looking more and more like the quack knew what he was talking about. I will keep you posted, without gross details, hopefully.

Today I've already eaten 2/3 of my points. (It's just after noon.) But that's good - I'm not hungry, and probably won't be until tonight. I'm trying to eat more points earlier in the day, so that I don't have more points left at dinnertime than Sara gets all day long. For some reason that really irritates her...:)

But it's also better for the metabolism, I believe. You fast all night, so if you don't give your body calories in the morning (which is the biggest reason that I've started eating breakfast), it thinks it might be starving. I'm hoping that spreading calories out might help me.

Either way, though, I'm still firmly planted in the saddle, and heading down the right road. My pants are getting baggier. This is good. I don't quite fit into the next size down yet, but that will come soon. I'm hoping by my birthday.

Anyway, time to get going.

-Silas

Ready for a 5K?

No. Not in the slightest way. But I'm going to get there. Whether or not I'll do it on time is another question.

I did three miles last night. Only two of which were running, but it's up from the night before. I'm going to try to go the whole three miles running tonight. It's weird - I wasn't feeling up to getting on the treadmill last night. I really didn't want to do it. But at about mile 2, I was happy that I did. There's something very cathartic about running.

Anyway, things are going well, except that I have absolutely no time at all.

-Silas

Without sounding too much like Willie Nelson...

...I'm on the road again!

Yesterday I did 2.5 miles. Only half running, the other half walking rather quickly, but it's a start. How far have I come from the 5-7 mile runs at any given moment...

But I don't care. I haven't REALLY run in about a year now. Yes, I've done a little training here and there, but not regularly. I'm happy about this. Now that the doc has given me the go-ahead, I'm going ahead.

Enough that if I'm doing well enough by the end of the week, I'm signing up for the same 5K that I've done two years in a row now. (OK, last year I did the 10K, but it's the same run.) I know that I won't be fast, I just want to make sure that the running is going to happen.

I loved being in extrememly good shape. There was a time for a few months (during the height of my marathon training) that my resting heart rate was around 50. I could do ANYTHING. Any time I asked my body to do something, it did so, with gusto and excitement.

Now, it's back to the laziness. It's back to seriously huffing and puffing over half a mile at a time.

And yet...

After paying attention to my body signals yesterday, I felt a small spark. I felt my body telling me that although it was tired, it wasn't really having fun at this (I was! Really! It was my legs and lungs complaining!), it was asking me to continue. It's like it was telling me that it misses that healthiness as much as I do. It WANTS to do the running.

So...unlike in the past, I'm going to listen. Where this is going to lead, I don't know. For now, it's the 5K. Then, a 10K. After that...

On the long roadmap, I'm looking at the HALF marathon. I don't know if my knees are ever going to be able to do the marathon. Possibly, yes, but for now, I'm going to keep that one on the "cross that bridge when I get there" list.

So have a great day.

-Silas

Doctor Who?

No, not the show.

I went to see a doctor yesterday. It's interesting trying to find a doctor when your old one moves out of the state. I called the office where my old doc worked, and they told me that doctor so and so has taken all of his patients. And that it would be fine to see him.

I figured that's as good a way to find a new doc as any.

Turns out I was wrong.

Well, I guess the doctor was fine. He was rather knowledgeable about his business, which is what you really want #1 in a doctor. About my leg - he knew enough to know that it wasn't for him to diagnose. But more on that in a moment.

The reason that I didn't like him was his attitude toward my weight loss. Instead of realizing that I've made as many changes as I can feasibly make in any sort of time span, he told me that I had to "cut out all potatoes, all rice, all refined flour (including white bread), and all refined sugar, including sugary drinks." And cut my calories by 1/3. And that I had to "huff and puff for at least an hour a day most days."

1) I already know this. Should you ever REALLY eat donuts? Chocolate? Probably not. They are not really good for you. But I know myself enough to know that to never again eat even white bread or potatoes or rice is just not going to happen. I'm taking baby steps here, people. In fact, they are rather giant baby steps at times. And I know about the exercise.

2) More than asking me what I'm doing and then basically regurgitating what I had said back at him in a more unrealistic manner, it was his condescending manner that completely turned me off. I came to him asking about my shin so that I can go running again. I told him that up front. And then he goes on to berate me about not exercising.

Maybe I got used to being coddled or something, but I liked my old doctor who realized that I am making as many changes as I can, and that I'm so much healthier now than I was back at 336 pounds. Is it that this new doc missed the entire transformation, and now all he sees is a bit of a relapse? That's fine. Just don't expect me to like it.

Anyway, enough complaining about the doc. More on the leg.

So the problem with my shin is that there is a bumpy tender section. It was a bit like shin splints, but in the entirely wrong place. There is no muscle in this place - just skin over bone. The doc thinks it's a skin condition. Some sort of dermatitis or something. So for now he's referred me to a dermatologist. I'm going to call one this afternoon.

Remember when I told you that Sara is a sympathetic hypocondriac? Well, I used a word that the doc used when I was telling her about the visit. I should have know better - this word scared ME a little. He said that the dermatologist would take a biopsy of the problem spot to find out what it is. The problem is that the word biopsy on ER, Scrubs, and all of the other doctor shows is what they use when they are finding tumors. All it really means is that they take a little bit of tissue and find out what it is made of.

Anyway, things are good. I can start running again, as the shin thing has nothing to do with running. Which makes sense to me, as I used to run at this weight before. I'm going to see where this shin thing goes, but no matter what...

I'm back on the road. Or at least the treadmill.

-Silas

And one more.

So it's a total of 14.5 down now. I'm at 253! That 250 mark, a very psychological border, is getting closer and closer. Hopefully next week. If not, then the week after.

*whew*

Finally it's working again. Finally I have been able to shake off the bad crappy food again. This gives me hope for the rest of my life. I know that I won't be perfect forever. But it's good to know that even if (when?) I get way out of control, it is very possible to get right back under control.

I keep having visions of a 50" widescreen high-def TV. Think that helps out?

You betcha.

I finally have a doctor's appointment on Monday for my leg. Sara is freaking out a little, she is what I like to (affectionately!) call a sympathetic hypocondriac. She wonders if I'm about to die. OK, so that might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but not by much.

It's just that this bruise should really have gone away by now. Of course, knowing my luck, it will have gone away by then, but one way or the other I'll know what is going on by the end of Monday. Hopefully.

Anyway, have a great day.

-Silas

Where does the time go?

It's funny how fast time flies by when you have an ******* deadline. (All you know is that the word in asterisks is NOT a swear, I did not count the letters, and it starts with a vowel.)

I was going to post yesterday, but frankly I forgot. There is so much to do and so little time.

But I wanted to post today. I'm down ANOTHER pound. Which is weird, because yesterday I was up 1.5. So today is 2.5 down from yesterday.

Yes, I know it all has to do with how much water you have in you at the moment, etc., but it's just plain bizarre how fast and how much things fluxuate.

So it's a total of 13.5 down now. It's working...slowly but surely, it's working.

-Silas

Great weekend.

Last Friday was just plain crazy. I can't remember posting - I don't THINK I did. But either way, it's over.

So I have about a month's worth of work to do, and seven days in which to do it. Status quo.

Weight loss is going well, albeit slower than I would like. I'm now officially at 255. Total of 12.5 pounds down. It's good, but I think I can do better. I could be 2-3 pounds per week easy, I just need to be more strict on what I am doing.

But is this a bad thing? A pound a week down is fine - it's healthy. But I have a couple of events that I'm working towards - I want to be down at LEAST in the low 230s in June, if not the 220s.

At least I'm not up in the 270s, eh? I would be, by now, if I hadn't started things up again. I keep thinking things like that, and it helps.

Yesterday was very hard for some reason. I stayed within points, which is why the scale was down this morning, but I had this nearly irrational craving for a big 'ol calzone. I haven't even THOUGHT of one of those for a couple of years, and yesterday it was driving me crazy. I'm glad that Sara was strong, because we had ham and cheese sandwiches last night instead. (Just a little cheese...it was very strong swiss.) And some baked ruffles. Plus good stuff. Since I hadn't eaten much until dinner, I had the points.

Know what? It was very good, and I don't think that I would have enjoyed the worse food any more, either. It's a mental game that I'm playing right now. On the whole, I'm winning. This is a good thing.

Exercise wise I'm not doing as well, but for a (sadly) good reason. My legs are just not right at the moment. I'm going to have to go have my right shin looked at. There's some sort of herniated muscle or something. It just doesn't feel right. I know that I will just be told to lose weight, but I want to make sure that there isn't something actually wrong.

So it's time to work. Have a great day,

-Silas

The next time...

...I say anything about work not kicking me in the butt, please...

Tell me to shut up.

-Silas

V-Day, and Why I Can't Eat Pizza

Pizza first. I just can't eat it. I found out last night that it is really bad for me. I ate a ton - which didn't matter too much, as I had 30 points left for dinner, and that's a serious amount of pizza - but even when I was full on pizza, I still wanted to keep eating. Other things. It didn't matter.

So while it tastes good, it really doesn't satisfy me.

Good to know.

I'm glad that I had some flex points to use.

So happy V-Day, everyone. This should be a pretty happy day. I always like today - I have some fun things to give to Sara. I know that this holiday is really for her anyway.

Life is good, work is FINALLY not kicking my butt, and I can relax.

For the next two minutes.

-Silas

Anomalies.

I'm glad that I didn't panic yesterday about being up a little in weight. This morning, I'm back at the 256. *whew* :) It's funny how I can intellectually know something, but viscerally, it's just plain nice to see the results.

This morning should be good. I'm entering a phase of my work that I enjoy immensely. There are times that my job is quite crazy, but this is not one of them.

I still have some frustrations about some of the decisions being made, but for now, there isn't anything I can do, so I am going to go about my work. I have way too much pride to do anything else.

So I did another couple of miles on the treadmill last night. I did half of a mile running, trying to get my legs back into shape. It is going to take a while, but it will be worth it in the end.

Time to get to work...

-Silas

And the winner is....

...Me!

156. That's 11.5 pounds down now. It happened on my scale on Saturday morning. I'm up a little since then, but as I know that I fluxuate quite a lot day to day, I'm not upset at all.

There are certain things at work that, whenever I read a certain category of email, make me wish to scream in frustration. But other than that, things are fine. It doesn't matter if someone else (admittedly for non-malicious reasons) is sabotaging my chances of success at my next project - I have other things going on that will forward my career regardless. Thanks, Jenkins -for bringing me along on this ride.

So work has been crazy. I was up until 4:00 AM on Thursday night/Friday morning, and then came back in to work. Hence my lack of posting on Friday. Hopefully it will calm down in the next week or so. We shall see.

Anyway, have a great day. I'm in for a long one :)

-Silas

Yes, the time stamp is correct.

It is currently almost 2:30 in the morning. I am waiting on a guy in another state to send me some information to figure out what a problem is. Not exactly the way I wanted to spend the night :)

But I did choose this life. I did this to myself. I suppose that makes me a masochist, but I just have to keep repeating that to myself. I did this. It was my choice.

Dumbass.

-Silas

Plateau #1 - history.

I hadn't really lost any weight for almost a week (yeah, I know. what a pleateau...) but this morning I finally OFFICIALLY crossed the 10 pound mark. It's funny, because I don't really FEEL different than I did a pound ago...but mentally, it's all good.

10.5 down...47 more to go.

When you put it like that - when you have lost over 1/6 of the total in about three weeks or so (or is it four? Where does the time go...) it makes it seem even that more possible.

*Giant sigh of relief*

-Silas

Why am I doing this...

This is why. Hehehe...OK, not really, but this is what my reward is for getting back to goal AND staying there for at least a year. Yes, there are a myriad of other reasons why I am getting healthy and staying that way. But I have decided that for doing an entire year at goal (however long that takes) is worth a large reward.

No, that's not the exact brand/model I want, it's just the first picture that I ran across. The whole point is that I'm trying to get a list of things to look forward to, along with the other benefits of being thinner.

I decided to do a couple of miles last night on the treadmill. They went very well. I did them while watching 24. I don't know what to think about the leg - there's still the bruisy part, but it doesn't really hurt, and it doesn't seem to change. I guess I should go see a doc, but I can hear it now - lose more weight, and rest it.

I have to NOT rest it to lose the weight. If I DO rest it, the weight comes off slower.

Catch-22?

*shrug*

So I just got off the phone with Altec Lansing's customer service - I sent a pair of headphones back to them for a replacement. Normally they are quite nice, but this guy was Mr. Grumpypants. He was acting rather put out that I would call him up and ask him for his help.

Moron.

Gotta run.

-Silas

OK...now I've calmed down a little.

Is it the normal state of the human being to believe that he/she knows best? It's funny how I came to a snap conclusion based on someone else's decision, which itself was based on information that I do not have.

Am I that conceited to believe that everyone else is an idiot?

Yeah, probably.

Anyway, I've calmed down considerably in the past half hour, especially after talking with an ex-boss for a few minutes. Man, he's good. Kinda wish he was still my boss, but I guess I like my new one too.

There. Now that I've bored you to tears, you can have a nice little nap and be refreshed for what's left of the day. Now don't ever say I never did anything for you.

-Silas

When in doubt...

..go with the boondoggle.

In the interest of not getting Dooced, that's all I'm going to say, other than...

...nope, not even that.

Anyway, I'm at the same weight that I was on Friday. Which is perfect. Every few days I seem to drop another pound or so. Not to mention that my scale only weighs in increments of .5 pounds, so technically I could be down over a half a pound, and due to rounding...

But it doesn't really matter. The fact is that I have been exactly where I want to be on this weight loss journey for over two weeks now, almost three. And with almost 10 pounds down, I'm losing at the rate that I want to.

Not to mention that I haven't really been exercising, due to my leg. So when I can get back on the treadmill and start accruing some serious miles, this is going to kick some serious butt.

Anyway, time to get to work, regardless of...

...nope, not even that.

-Silas

And....another.

Total down: 9.5

What the heck? I mean, I knew that this works, but wow.

Gotta run, I'll be back later.

-Silas

Another half pound.

First of all, I updated my starting weight. Embarassing to have to do that, but there it is.

Notice that I've updated my current weight. Not as embarassing. Down 9 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks?

I'll take it.

Now I just need to avoid that business trip to keep the weight loss going :)

However, it's ironic, because I'm lobbying as hard as I can to GO on the trip, as it would be the best thing for my project.

Personally, I'd rather not.

Professionally, it's the best thing to do.

So I don't know. I'll keep you posted.

-Silas

Yet another day.

I don't know why I feel both apathy toward blogging today, and the compulsive need to do it anyway. This kind of sucks, because that makes for bad posts. But like most good people, I give in to my compulsions...

It's funny how there are things that I KNOW that I seem to want to ignore anyway. I know for a fact that my body has a two-week cycle that it goes on with weight - from high to low back to high is two weeks. So when I gain a small amount of weight in a short amount of time, regardless of how well I've been eating, it makes me want to start to re-evaluate everything that I'm doing. Which I guess is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have to keep reminding myself to not panic.

And this, my friends, is why I should not be allowed to weight myself daily. :)

-Silas

Back to work.

I am not going to post about work yesterday and what happened.

I am also not going to worry about it for now, as there is nothing I can do, and a ton of work to do.

The in-laws left this morning. Sara's most likely on the way right now taking them to the airport. It was fun having them in town. It's very nice to get along with the in-laws.

OK. So I will talk a little about work. But nothing to get me Dooced. I just talked with my boss's boss. It's really nice to have an open door policy that it really open - I can walk in any time that I want to. The conversation went well. I didn't agree with a certain decision was being made, and I just wanted to make sure that the decision was being made with all of the data. I hope that he can see it my way, but if not, at least he had all of the info when he decides.

After that little boring interlude...

Time to go to work.

-Silas

What the heck indeed.

So I'm down about 4 pounds from the last time I posted my weight. I'm officially 259! This is very good - that means that things are finally working again.

I am worried about my leg, though. The giant swollen bruise-like portion just doesn't want to go away. I want to start running, but I want my leg to heal first.

At least seeing the results on the scale make it easier to stay away from the crap food. At the grocery store today it was absolutley no problem. So that's good.

I'm a little paranoid right now, because of work, but I don't really want to write about it. Two reasons:

1) I don't want to get Dooced
2) I don't really know what I feel about it yet.

So time to put my head down and be a good little peon.

Have a great day,

-Silas

What the heck?

Interesting...yesterday ended up being a rather hard day - in the food department. Yes, I ate what I should have, but it was one of those days that I really wanted to go right back to where I was even a couple of weeks ago.

I do remember this fading as time goes on, but it's not faded yet.

So I did three more miles last night, walking rather fast. It felt pretty good, but my shin was a little more sore after than before. I hope that doesn't mean that it's going to get worse when I start running next week...

If it does, I'll have to go to the doc. I'm hoping that that won't be necessary.

So today is going well for food. A can of tomato soup and a couple of sandwiches so far today. Later tonight Sara and I get to go to a movie, as her parents are in town this week. That is going to be a lot of fun...we never get to see movies anymore.

Well, that's enough rambling for now.

-Silas

I picked this, didn't I?

I love my job. Really, I do! But it's times like this - right before a deadline - that make me wonder what the heck I was thinking.

Cest la vie...

So the stupid cravings were not nearly as bad this morning. I've already had a great start to the day eating wise - I've had 5 points already. That should hopefully keep me from getting another headache today. That sucked yesterday.

I gave my leg another day off yesterday, too. Yes, it was on purpose, it wasn't just laziness :) It's getting better, and I might try running for a little bit soon. Maybe I'll go for half a mile or so on Monday. Of course, I'll keep exercising in the interim, but I'm excited to get going. While I have been logging the walking as part of the mille bornes project, I'm wanting to get some serious mileage under my belt.

Hope you have a great day. I'll probably write later.

-Silas

Stupid blogger.

I hate when servers go down. So now I can finally write a little.

I wonder if it will ever go away. The cravings, I mean. I still did what I should have - this morning I got a banana and a sandwich. But boy, those maple bars smelled good.

Do you get any calories by smelling things?

I guess I really already know the answer. No, they never quit. No, I can never quit. Am I sad about that?

Honestly?

I guess a little. There are a serious amount of endorphins involved with eating. I do it (have done it...I don't really do it anymore :) ) for a reason. There is something just so....SATISFYING about it.

But while it is not so very endorphish, there is also something satisfying about eating right and watching the weight come off. Because I'm now, finally, under the weight that I put down when I started this blog. I had gone up a few pounds. And now I'm down.

Last night I wasn't feeling well at all, but I decided on the walk anyway. I did three miles. It put me over 10.

I've eaten quite well today, too. A sandwich early, a smart ones entree, a banana, and some sunflower seeds.

Now if my sore throat and headache would go away.

-Silas

Bornes again...

Just a few thoughts this morning on the Mille Bornes (pronounced "mill born") project.

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." -Lao Tzu

Lao Tzu is known as the father of Taoism. While I am not a Taoist by religion, I am (Jenkins, stop laughing) learning more and more about Taoist beliefs. Which is why I was so happy to run across this quote (again) when looking things up.

Isn't the internet wonderful?

It has been an interesting start to my project - in that my shin has kept me from going as hard and as far as I want to. But this quote has brought me quite the ray of sunshine this morning. It doesn't matter that the start is slower than expected. The fact that the journey has begun is all that matters at the moment.

One step at a time, people. One step at a time.

-Silas

Jerk.

I mean Jerky. It's my one vice left, I think. I don't feel bad about it, though, because I'm counting it. And I don't do it often. But mmmmm....teriyaki flavored dried chunks of beef.

It happened again this morning. On the way to work, the little voice in my head started going again about how good those donuts would be. Yes, they would be VERY good. For a moment. And then I'd be quite mad at myself. But yet again - it was easy to ignore it. I did get the jerky, but a small bag. So I'm doing well.

Gotta run today, but I'll probably stop in later.

-Silas

I was just thinking today...

...why it has been easier to follow the plan for the last week or so. And I think it comes down to the power of positive pressure.

I like Bill Phillips. I don't necessarily like his Body-for-LIFE program, as I don't want to seriously bulk up on muscle, which is what happens when I try to follow it. For what it's worth, it works - you can change the shape of your body when you follow his plan. Fewer calories, way more healthy food, and lots of exercise, heavy on the weight lifting...it's a good plan. I just can't follow it, and I don't want the results.

But he certainly has some great things to say. And one is the power of positive pressure.

There is something to be said about making sure that others know what you are doing in your weight loss journey. This works for me, because when others know what I'm doing, it's not just me that I'm letting down when I lose control. It's everyone that knows what is going on.

So what happens when I hear about a family reunion in June? With the family members who had seen be at both 336 pounds and 205 pounds?

Well, the first reaction was that it is such a long way away. One more day of crappy food won't hurt.

But then (it took a week or two) the thought came: I can't possibly go there weighing over 260. I will not embarass myself that way. And yes, one more day DOES hurt.

And the option of not showing up? This is not an option. So what is left?

You got it. Stick to the plan, and lose the weight.

I don't know how much I can lose in the next 5 months, but I would be surprised if it is less than 40, and SHOCKED if it is less than 30. That is, if I can stick to the plan.

Which so far hasn't been a problem. It is finally worth more to me to eat less than to eat the crap. Every time I envision the fast food, or the sweets from the store, I can just see myself at the reunion. And for extra dramatic effect, I envision myself at over 300 pounds. How would THAT feel?

Heh...good thing that I'm not about to find out.

Anyway, I have high hopes, and momentum this time. We'll see how fast it comes off. But no matter what - I'm back on the journey.

-Silas

Happy Monday!

Friday was just so busy that I had no time to post. It was one of THOSE days. Being a Software Engineer, right before release, I sometimes get so entranced in my work that I forget EVERYTHING else. Including eating, I might add. All day at work on Friday I had:

Sunflower seeds.

That's it. No, not healthy, but frankly, I'd rather do that than eat tons 'o' crap. By the way, this is not anorexic - I went home and ate quite a bit. Not enough to go over points :)

So while it's not healthy, as long as I don't do it too often, I don't mind.

The problem that I am having is this: I have some sort of shin splints on my right leg. There is a red, puffy sore patch on my shin. Which sucks, because I haven't been able to run since Wednesday. Not to say that I'm not using the treadmill - I still at least WALKED for 2 miles on Thursday and Friday. But it's not the same as running. I just don't get the sweat that I get when I run.

I know why this happens. I may have posted this before, but when you run, your knees, feet, and legs get hit with three times your body weight in force on EACH STEP. That's a whole lot of force when I'm running. 60 pounds ago, this wouldn't have been a problem. Now, it's a bit hard on me to run.

So for now, I'm going to figure out what I can do. I'm going to keep walking, even though it takes twice as long to get in the miles. When I can, I'm going to start ramping up the running again. Slowly, surely, I am going to do this.

I am really feeling great about eating, too. I'm down about 3.5 pounds (unofficially) from where I had gone since posting my weight here. That is in less than a week. And for some reason, I have been able to seriously control my eating.

Case in point - last night, just before going to bed, I had the same thoughts jump into my head that have been killing me - how I should go find something "good" to eat in the morning on my way to work.

For the first time in MONTHS it was easy to just dismiss it. I got up this morning with zero intentions of eating crappy food. And so far, I have done VERY well. Sunflower seeds.

I'm about to go make some lunch - soup, or maybe a frozen dinner (the light kind). Maybe I'll "splurge" and get a sandwich of some sort. Subway has some great ones. Even if I get a footlong, it will only be 15 points. Leaving me with more than 20 for the day, even if I count the sunflower seeds. (Which I will.) And that doesn't include flex points or exercise points...

Things are finally looking up.

-Silas

Demons and Triumphs.

There was a time, around a year ago, that I thought that I had finally conquered the demon of food. For an entire year, I kept track of every single thing that I put in my mouth. And I was happy to do so. I didn't eat a single thing without consciously thinking about it, and deciding if it was worth the points.

It worked so well that I hit my goal weight (that my doc set for me at 210) in less than a year. I'm doing fine, I thought. I'm doing great, in fact. There's NO WAY I'll ever go back to my old habits.

And I can cheat a little, can't I?

You know something? If it stopped there, it would probably be fine. But over the last year, I have come to the conclusion that no, I CANNOT cheat a little. 50 pounds can attest to that.

When I cheat, I cheat, and I do it well. Yes, I can point back to certain events that started me off on this road, but in the end, it all comes back to a decision, every day, every moment, to give in to my own personal demon again.

The demon of food.

This is new news to some, but I'll go over it again. I have, I believe, an undiagnosed eating disorder. Go look up Binge Eating Disorder, and you will see a pretty good description of me, if I do not keep a VERY tight rein on myself. If I gave in to it, I would keep myself stuffed - completely packed full of food, none of it good - on a continual basis.

This is what led to my 336 pound weight, and the 50 pounds that I've regained.

So what now?

There was a personal issue last night that I had to deal with. It is nothing serious - just the normal foibles of life that we all have. But when I went to sleep last night, it was with the plan to stop by a local grocery store on the way into work today and pick up some "comfort."

HOLY CRAP that is hard to deal with sometimes. If I remember correctly, it DOES get easier. Not that this urge ever goes away, but it gets easier to not do such things. But this morning was exceptionally hard.

And I passed the test. All I came in with this morning was some diet soda that I picked up at the gas station (yes, it's more expensive there, but it's easier to not buy donuts :) ). I'm proud of myself. Not to say that the day is a success yet. There will be probably two more serious temptations from this demon.

But then I remember what it was like to be at my goal weight. I could put on anything in my wardrobe, and feel good about it. I could put my mp3 player on my arm and go running for 5 miles, and feel ENERGIZED at the end of it. I could finally look at myself in the mirror and feel pleased.

So I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind. I need to go back and re-read some of the old blog entries from the previous incarnation of the Journal of a Fat Loser. I need to keep looking for new inspirational blogs - the few out there that have lost weight, kept it off, and are still blogging...and those out there who are in the process of losing, as I am.

People, we need to stick together. When I read your blogs, I see how much it helps to have friends to keep us in line. Well, Sara is a great help - and I'm so grateful to have her around. But I would like you - anyone who reads this - to keep commenting, keep encouraging, and keep cheering me on.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. Every little bit helps.

Have a great day,

-Silas

Inspiration.

I have been searching for new inspiration for the past while. I now have a long list of bookmarks that I have to check - daily - to remember why I'm doing this.

It was a wonderful feeling to lose over 130 pounds. The feeling of being able to wear anything was fantastic. The feeling of being able to tuck in my shirt was indescribable. So what happened?

Life. You know how it goes. One small change after another. And voila - 60 pounds again.

But the good thing is that this can work in my favor, too. One small change after another.

So why am I doing this? I need to review my reasons again. Some are good reasons, some are not so good, but before another 24 hours goes by, I will start to list them here.

By the way, I'm trying to figure out how to pull this, but I'm starting the weight loss "video" pictures again tonight. I am combining all video pics. By which I mean I'm only doing one set of photos. And while this is not nearly as important as staying on plan and exercising, it will be quite a video if I can pull it off.

See you tomorrow,

-Silas

As a side note...

I'm resetting the "Mille Bornes" miles to coincide with the new t-mill.

And I had Sara take a picture of me during the inaugural run, so I'll post it when I can remember to get the pic from the camera.

-Silas

On the road again.

Thanks for all two of my readers for commenting! Although, I think that you might have to have someone RETURN to be called an official "reader." Either way, I was excited.

Yesterday, two rather easy miles on the *NEW* treadmill. For the record...

I absolutely love it. In every way possible.

Yes, it is missing some of fancy schmancy electronic crap, but really, I didn't use any of it anyway. What it DID do was accurately read my heart rate. Which is something that I've yet to see any of the treadmills at the health club do.

It is one of those foldable treadmills, so we can keep it up when not in use. I like this, because now the kids can't "run" on it while it is turned off and burn out the motor. Sara used it yesterday, too, when I had to come back to work for a couple of hours. She thought that it was great, too.

I see the future opening up, and it has a ton of running in it.

On a little sadder note, I have realized how out of shape I have become, at least relative to when I was doing the hardcore marathon training. Running at 6 MPH had my heart rate over 160. When I was training hard, it would hover around 130 or so.

Also, I ran for two miles, and was completely winded. I used to be a 5K without even hardly breaking a sweat. (OK, I would sweat like a horse, but you get the metaphor.)

However, I was re-reading my old blog (which no longer exists, except on a hard drive in my backpack) and I remember when I was starting to run. It started with a quarter mile. I was happy to do 4 laps (16 laps to the mile on the track I was running on) without stopping.

Oh, how far I have come since before the journey began.

And one last thing - I was re-reading something I was writing last October, and I have pretty much maintained my weight since then. I have gone down, up, down, up, etc., but in the end, I am not worse off now than I was then.

Considering Christmas vacation and the rest of the holidays...

I'll take it.

So I'm back on plan completely. WW has come out with some new rules about how many points you get. I now have 9 more than I used to. Which, by the way, makes COMPLETE sense to me. I have always thought that I was eating too little. They say that to lose weight, you have to calculate your BMR, add calories for normal daily activity, and then subtract 500 for a 1 lb loss per week, and 1000 for a 2 lb loss per week.

Why was I losing 6-7 at first, and 3-4 per week later?

Because I was not eating enough.

So now I think that the loss will be slower, but definately more long term. Do you know what you can have for 9 points?

Two microwave entrees. A couple of sandwiches, if you make them right. More fruit than you can comfortably eat in a sitting. (Understatement?)

What it comes down to is this - I'm going to try it out to see how it fits. I figure that 9 points per day figures out to about 500 calories or so (on average) so my loss should only go down my 1 lb per week. And if it's easier to maintain the plan this way?

*shrug*

So have a great day...

-Silas

Merry Christmas! In January!

A little late for the post title? Yeah, I guess so. But last night I finally got the Christmas present that I Have been waiting for!

Well, OK, it's actually for Sara and I both, but here it is...

Cool, eh? I'm pretty stoked.

Here's the story about this treadmill. First off, I don't want anyone posting comments (as if anyone actually reads this) about how this treadmill sucks, that one is so much better, etc. I don't really care. I have what I was looking for, and that's all that really matters.

This came about when Sara had me call to find out what it would cost to renew the gym membership for the year. $400. HOLY CRAP that's expensive, especially when I'm really the only one who uses it, and it's only a few days per week.

Add to that the money that Sara's parents gave us for Christmas, and we were VERY close to $1000. So we thought about getting a treadmill.

Anyone who read this blog will know that I'm a large person - at 4% bodyfat (which I am NOT) I would be a very large person. That's just the way it is.

So I needed a treadmill that would be able to handle constant pounding from me. Right now I'll be doing around 10 miles per week, and I expect to build up to 20-30 or so regularly. The thing that has always bothered me about treadmills that are around $1000 is how they constantly "slip" when I'm running on them. I can't find a better word for it. When my foot hits the belt, it stops for a moment, creating a rather jarring feeling while running. So I was planning on having to spend around $1500 to $2000.

Enter the New Balance 1500. The moment I started it up and got running, I absolutely loved it. It was smooth, comfortable, and absolutely NO slippage. After checking all over the place, it turns out that for $999 it is a pretty good deal.

So last night I went to the local Sports Authority and picked one up. I emptied the back of the van out of all of the seats, and the guys at the loading dock just slid it right in. After getting home, I had a friend help me slide it down stairs.

Turns out that assembly from the box is easy - you assemble it right in the box. After that, I just worked it over to the mat where we're going to have it sit and voila! Instant running surface.

So I was a little tired last night, after lifting it all over the place, so tonight is going to be the inaugural run. I'm planning on two miles, nice and easy. It should be a breeze.

Anyway, I'll take an official picture of me on the tread, working out, so you can see how things are going. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow.

...it begins.

-Silas

And I thought I had problems.

There is so much going on right now that it's hard to post. Just like everyone else, I know, but there it is.

So I have to bring up the most important thing.

A friend of mine (he lives in my neighborhood) is going through one of the classic nightmares - his 9-year-old daughter has been diagnosed with leukemia. She is going to be in the hospital for at LEAST the next 9 months, probably a year, doing chemo-therapy.

Having a daughter myself that is a friend of this little girl, this hits just a little too close to home.

The family is doing about as you would expect - shock, anger, grief, etc. Day to day, I believe. They are resilient, and the outlook for the little girl is EXTREMELY cautiously optimistic, but that doesn't really fix the fact that it's happening.

There isn't much that I can do for them, except for putting my arm around my friend every so often to let him know that his friends are here for him.

Kinda sucks that I can't do more.

I guess this leaves the final thing - finances. Have you ever had someone in chemo? I haven't. But I understand that it's dreadfully expensive. Yes, his family has health insurance, but when you have an illness of this magnitude, insurance doesn't cover it.

So I am trying to figure out what I can do. Truly, I am trying to find out how to raise money for them through my running. Find sponsors, etc. Maybe have a 5K run where people give me $1 per kilometer. Or maybe I can roll this into the Mille Bornes project - $0.01 or $0.10 per mile or something. If I can get a TON of people to do this, I can actually raise some substantial money for this guy.

I probably should HAVE to say something like this, but OVBIOUSLY every single tenth of a penny will go straight to this family. What they use it for is their business - I don't really care. Mortgage? Great. New shoes for the other kids? Wonderful. Trip to Disneyland? They probably need it. Although I can't really see that happening either.

So things are good. Weight Watchers has changed some rules, which will help me stay on plan easier.

I will post more tomorrow, and keep you posted on my friend.

-Silas

Tired?

How in the world I ever got my sorry butt out of bed at 4:40 am is beyond me. I made it to the gym and just after 5:00 in the morning to do two miles. I was able to get to work at just after 6:00, all showered and clean. Pretty good start to the day.

The food demon started talking early, though. I'm pretty happy with how it went at the grocery store - nothing but the stuff that will keep me on track. I have noticed that it's initially very hard to ignore the little voice asking for crap, but after a few days, it gets easier and easier...

It's interesting how running two miles is quite a bit harder than I remembered it. I guess you really do lose your fitness after a while. But the good news is that I'm running again, and before too terribly long, I'll be right back where I want to be.

The question is: where do I want to be?

I'm shooting for the 10K race at the end of March. It's the Rex Lee Run. It is named after a former president of BYU who died of cancer. It's now a fundraiser for cancer.

And I think I might be more than just a runner this year. I am going to find out if there is any sort of extra fundraising that can be done, especially in the name of someone. There is a little girl in my neighborhood, 8 or 9 years old, who has just been diagnosed with leukemia. Having an 8-year-old girl myself, it hits me pretty hard. I cannot imagine what the family is going through.

I know that there's nothing I can do for this girl that her family is not already doing. But at least if I do SOMETHING, then I will feel just a little less impotent in the face of this kind of frightening illness.

So there's my little bit of sunshine for the day :) I'm doing well, right where I want to be, and full speed (slow, but full speed) ahead.

-Silas

Resolute.

First of all, I just can't start typing anything without mentioning that the Boise State vs. Oklahoma game last night was the Best. Football. Game. Ever.

Yes, I'm a sports fanatic. I don't blog it much. Of course, as you can see, I haven't blogged much at ALL...

So I think I did pretty well over the Christmas and New Year's holiday. No, I didn't deprive myself all Christmas long. I had some good food. I chucked a lot of good food...:) but what can you expect?

I came to a bit of an epiphany over the holiday about holiday eating. Every time the WW people talk about the holidays, they talk about how many calories there is in the average Christmas dinner.

Know what? To me, that's beside the point.

The problem is that if you go overboard focusing on the Christmas dinner, you do just that - you focus on one single event, when in reality, you should be focusing on the long term. I think about my brother-in-law. He went to the hospital with INCREDIBLY high blood pressure, the kind of high blood pressure where they wondered how he was alive.

Seriously.

So he had to go on a diet and exercise program. He was probably about 80-100 pounds overweight. He has done an incredible job of what he does. He's a bit more strict than I could be, but then, I don't need to be that strict.

But what he does is this - he eats well all week long. Very well. Tons of vegetables, low fat, low carb, low calorie, etc. On the weekend, he does well. He will go out to eat and not worry about the calories for a meal. Note: A MEAL.

So what about the Christmas dinner? I did not want to go into the holidays with the only thing on my mind being how much I'm going to eat. I just wanted to go with my family to my parents' house and have a great day.

Of course, the entire thing ended up being a moot point, as I came down with a seriously bad stomach virus about 2 hours before dinner...I didn't feel like eating much :)

And I was sick for a large portion of the vacation. Well, either I was sick or it was Sara, or one of the kids. At least I had the luxury of just taking it easy for the entire week.

Anyway, from now on, I think I'm going to shift my focus from the one meal to the REST of the time. It's not the one Christmas meal that caused weight gain - it was the slow addition of calories, day after day, week after week, month after month, that has done that.

Now, then, it's going to be the calorie deficit, day after day, week after week, month after month, that will undo the damage.

I will be back to post more later.

-Silas