Demons and Triumphs.

There was a time, around a year ago, that I thought that I had finally conquered the demon of food. For an entire year, I kept track of every single thing that I put in my mouth. And I was happy to do so. I didn't eat a single thing without consciously thinking about it, and deciding if it was worth the points.

It worked so well that I hit my goal weight (that my doc set for me at 210) in less than a year. I'm doing fine, I thought. I'm doing great, in fact. There's NO WAY I'll ever go back to my old habits.

And I can cheat a little, can't I?

You know something? If it stopped there, it would probably be fine. But over the last year, I have come to the conclusion that no, I CANNOT cheat a little. 50 pounds can attest to that.

When I cheat, I cheat, and I do it well. Yes, I can point back to certain events that started me off on this road, but in the end, it all comes back to a decision, every day, every moment, to give in to my own personal demon again.

The demon of food.

This is new news to some, but I'll go over it again. I have, I believe, an undiagnosed eating disorder. Go look up Binge Eating Disorder, and you will see a pretty good description of me, if I do not keep a VERY tight rein on myself. If I gave in to it, I would keep myself stuffed - completely packed full of food, none of it good - on a continual basis.

This is what led to my 336 pound weight, and the 50 pounds that I've regained.

So what now?

There was a personal issue last night that I had to deal with. It is nothing serious - just the normal foibles of life that we all have. But when I went to sleep last night, it was with the plan to stop by a local grocery store on the way into work today and pick up some "comfort."

HOLY CRAP that is hard to deal with sometimes. If I remember correctly, it DOES get easier. Not that this urge ever goes away, but it gets easier to not do such things. But this morning was exceptionally hard.

And I passed the test. All I came in with this morning was some diet soda that I picked up at the gas station (yes, it's more expensive there, but it's easier to not buy donuts :) ). I'm proud of myself. Not to say that the day is a success yet. There will be probably two more serious temptations from this demon.

But then I remember what it was like to be at my goal weight. I could put on anything in my wardrobe, and feel good about it. I could put my mp3 player on my arm and go running for 5 miles, and feel ENERGIZED at the end of it. I could finally look at myself in the mirror and feel pleased.

So I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind. I need to go back and re-read some of the old blog entries from the previous incarnation of the Journal of a Fat Loser. I need to keep looking for new inspirational blogs - the few out there that have lost weight, kept it off, and are still blogging...and those out there who are in the process of losing, as I am.

People, we need to stick together. When I read your blogs, I see how much it helps to have friends to keep us in line. Well, Sara is a great help - and I'm so grateful to have her around. But I would like you - anyone who reads this - to keep commenting, keep encouraging, and keep cheering me on.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. Every little bit helps.

Have a great day,

-Silas